There are these songs that I keep on my iPod that I only keep there because they used to mean something to me. They used to make me feel something, and I just can't bring myself to delete. But sometimes if I stay awake long enough, and the right song hits my shuffled playlist, it hurts. I just lie there, listening to these sappy old songs that leave me devastated and devoid of hope. How do they do that to me? It's just music. I thought I was past this. I thought I was stronger now

i'm back

i have so many thoughts i that i feel the compulsive need to throw out somewhere but i don't think are appropriate for tumblr anymore. that aren't appropriate for anywhere anymore.

1. fuck.
2. okay breathe
3. don't miss her
4. fuck
5. missing her anyway
6. go to sleep

7.

Too Nice.

I’m getting so sick of people telling me I’m not going to get anywhere with how “nice” I am. I understand what you’re trying to tell me, that you think you’re helping me, but you’re not and it doesn’t really matter. I don’t have to be unnecessarily aggressive or a complete prick to get ahead in life. Is it so bad that I’m comfortable enough with myself to let things go, to do things for people, without making a big deal about it? If I care about someone then I am going to show it, and I’m not going to fake who I am just to seem a little bit more mysterious. And if someone doesn’t like that I’m going to be open and honest and exactly who I am, then why the fuck would I want to be with that person? I’m not a “player” and I’m not looking for anyone that wants to be played.

(no title)

late at night i stop here
and
i wonder what we were
i wonder who you have become
and what you've done with her
but
suppose that this is meant to be
this feeling i call "hell"
lying here
and missing you
and lying to my self

i do not know too much about too much
that much is true
but i know too much of what you've done
i know too much of you

infinite/finite

As cliche as it sounds, I think that we all have our infinite moments.
For some it may be taking the long way home because someone they love is in the passenger's seat. For others it may be looking up at the clock and realizing that it's "their" time. That it's 8:08 and they feel like it was meant to be, or maybe it's 7:17 and they spend the moment thinking of whatever person's that time is.
For you it may be finishing a book that you could never imagine having an ending, or when the perfect song plays in that perfect moment and you feel perfect despite your full knowledge of the fact that no moment is perfect and neither are you.
For me, it's 2:36 am on a week night. It's opening my best friend's window and climbing through. It's feeling content with myself even though I know I shouldn't.  It's a walking the block and a half from my house to Walgreens in the middle of the night just because I can. It's writing another one of these pointless entries in a pointless blog that fully reflects my own pointless life.
It's knowing that I have everything to lose.
It's feeling like I have nothing.
It's all of it.
All of it.

rhyming, or something

i feel sick and I don't know why
i feel less and less like i know my own mind
but that's only normal, still no surprise
so maybe it's the way that i looked in your eyes
and could see I was nothing, nothing at all
or maybe it's how you remind me of fall
of falling and falling, yet feeling so tall
in a world of short people living short lives so small
that they're good and gone by the end of the day
they've searched and they've searched and searched themselves away
and i feel just like them, like there's nothing to say
i've been feeling so sick, i have been since may

Did no one ever tell you?

There's a difference between figuring yourself out and giving yourself out.

Jealousy:Jealous Me

Sometimes I feel like the worst person in the entire world.
I feel unfit and undeserving of everything, and more importantly, everyone that has ever happened to me.
Because I am so selfish with people.
I am so selfish with you.
My friends have friends and I hate it, and I hate myself for hating it.

Color me the darkest shade of green,
if you’ll color me at all.

never come undone.

the light blue of a morning sky
creeps into the darkness of another forgotten shadow
like the sun proudly walks toward the domain it knows belongs to him
and here i lie
on a domain of my own
watching as this happens (and
wishing that i wasn't)
as daydreams form where the real
dreams were
and i begin to take the day as it has been given to me,
underhandedly and on the batteries
of two days past

why can i not find sleep
it's as if I've forgotten how

Just let it all go.

You probably didn't notice

but I knew you all along.

You probably didn't notice

but I loved you all along.

You probably didn't notice

how I knew when I was wrong.

Maybe you will notice

what I was now that I'm gone.

Remember when we were sophomores?

And everyone got along so well.
And we all talked to each other all the time, without really talking to each other at all.
And there were parties and music and people liked each other.

Remember?
God, how people liked each other.

I want it back.
But I swear to God, I really don’t.

XO

I don't know what I'm going to do after this year.
It's all wide open.
That really should scare me.
But I've got this terrible habit of procrastinating everything.
So I'll just let it sink back to the bottom of mind.

Look at me.

I wonder if there's anybody who thinks about me.
If there's anybody who reads something in an article, or hears a song or watches a movie, and finds it brings me up in the library of their thoughts. It happens to me all the time. I see people I know in everything around me, in what I hear and read, and I can pick them out like driftwood from a river.
But what is it that makes people so distinct? That makes people so original?
I find originality in almost everything of everyone I'm close to.
They all have a distinct outlook on life, a unique level of tolerance to what is thrown toward them.
Maybe I just haven't met enough of you, but I've never heard the same voice from two different people.
Each voice has it's own different sounds, and lengths of emphasis it stresses on vowels and words.
It's as beautiful to me as the eyes we all have. There are so many shades of colors, shapes and sizes that it's easy to let your mind lay a hazy blanket of monotone over them all. If it didn't, you'd go mad with information overload.
But what about that one person's eyes? That one special person, that when you steal a glimpse into the ocean of color and life that resides in such a minuscule space, you can't help but drop every thought you were thinking just one second before.
What is it that cuts through that blind of generality, and let's you really discover someone?

I want to lose myself in my other half's world.
If only I could ever find her.

First post in a long time.

It's 2011, and things feel different.
I don't know if it's actually having friends at school, or something else.
But it's different.
I'm different.

And while we're talking about differences, you're different.
Why do you do this to me?
When faced with staying the same or changing for the worse, why do you always choose the latter?
Or maybe you're not actually choosing to.
Maybe you're just going along with the crowd, and the crowd is changing.

Whatever.

I'm tired, I have a headache, and I'm lonely.

"She'd have to be crazy not to like you."

Is this coincidental irony, or is my life just entirely too well written?

I miss you.

Friends.

Lately, I've been noticing that there are a lot of big groups of friends. You know who I'm talking about, the bunch of people who all seem to be best friends, who share all their inside jokes and love each other to death. Some of these people I know, some I don't. Most of them I don't.
Well anyway, here's why I brought them up.

I constantly find myself looking at these groups, and wishing I belonged to one.
It would bum me out all the time.
Well, I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize this, but I have.
I'm in one of those groups.
We are that group.
I mean, sure I don't get to see all of you near as often as I'd like, but still.

I don't know if everyone's like this, or just me. But I consider my friends of more relation than my actual family.
The people that you gravitate towards, are most often the people most like you.
You can't choose your family, but you can always choose your friends.

I can proudly and firmly say that I've chosen well.

This is my life.

My life is going by fast.
There's roughly 84% of it left for me,
and I want to use that time for all the good
that it can be traded for.
I want to play music, preferably for those who enjoy it.
I want to find a really nice, pretty, thoughtful and deep girl.
Maybe I've already met her, maybe I haven't.
My money's on the first.

I want to get married, I want to move away.
I want to experience love, and warmth.
I want to feel alone, and cold.
I want to live life.

Until next time,
your teenaged dude.

I don't think it really matters to you anymore.

There's a recurring thought I have, that gives me nightmares.
It's really damn upsetting.
It's that no matter how much I give you, how strong I can stand for you,
you don't care.
If I were to die tonight, I might never run through your mind again.
The worst part is, that this feeling isn't grounded in some paranoid teenage hormone imbalance.
It's that you've told me this is so.
I wish I could say I hate you, but I never could. I never will.
And the earth will just keep on spinning.